So there’s a couple promising guys in my life. The two most obvious contenders are S, who lives in the suburbs but who I’ve been talking to a lot, and Z, who lives in another city a 1.5 hour train ride away. I say they are the obvious contenders because I’ve shared a make-out session and cuddly sleep-over with each, and I’m so dense that sometimes it takes me until we actually kiss to figure out if a guy likes me or not. There are some other guys on the roster too, and I’m not not still looking.
However, I’m not super excited about any of them really. I mean they have definite potential and I enjoy hanging out with them, but I’m not that emotionally invested (and while I’m thinking this is a good time to date casually, to me that is not the same thing as being devoid of emotional connection). I can tell they really like me. Right now, they like me more than I like them. And this seems to be a pretty common theme. I remember when I first started dating post-X, it kept frustrating me that I wasn’t as into any of these new guys as I had been with X. Then I remembered something. I wasn’t that into X when I first started seeing him either. In the beginning of our relationship, he was more into me. Somewhere along the lines, that changed.
I feel like this is an inevitable turning point in my interactions with guys. They start off liking me more than I like him, and at some point, this shifts to the opposite. (Side note: this is also why I don’t think I can date a guy with no game, because in the beginning, I need them to get the ball rolling until I like them enough to make the considerable effort I will eventually make for them). I think maybe guys are more about newness, and the process of getting to know someone, where what I like most is *knowing* someone well and feeling at home with them. This is when the guy’s commitment issues, etc., begin to surface and his feelings for me dwindle down as I’m getting more serious about my feelings for him.
The problem is, such an imbalance in feelings really sucks. Especially when you’re the party that likes the other person more. So maybe for now I should just relish that I haven’t reached that point yet, while I still can. Because post-turning-point is not too gentle on my sanity.
At the same time, there are parts about that point that I wouldn’t sacrifice — otherwise what’s the point of being with someone? I lose interest if I don’t feel anything for them. Yet, I know if I reached that point with X, even when his psychosis, issues, and all the other stakes were stacked up against me, then I will be able to find those feelings again. And maybe this time, it will be more evenly matched. Instead of swapping feelings, I’ll just meet the guy at his level.